I feel your gaze upon me no matter where I am and what I am going. It is as if my body senses when you get close, making my gaze leave the floor and connect with your eyes. Time slows as my sight travels from your feet, legs, and quickly up to your face just as my mind quickly recognizes who it is I am looking at.
The muscles in my face tense up, stuck in a half-surprised, half-dejected, and half-smiling pose. I wonder what you think of me when you look at me. I have the same look every single time, unable to control my body, forever frozen in a perpetual look of disinterestedness. I may look disinterested as a defence mechanism, but it isn’t so. It is quite the opposite and I wish we got more than just a sharing of looks, which leaves me more confused.
I saw a flicker in your eyes today as we locked eyes, my face still retaining its happy and amused countenance from my on-going conversation with a friend. Time slowed agonizingly as I was calculating what to do, but I simply broke our contact, looking back at my friend, trying to continue the conversation as though nothing happened, too scared to show you how I truly felt, worried that my face gave away what was going on inside.
Every time I cut our eye contact in the same dejected manner, I curse myself for never being able to brake this horrible cycle of supposed disinterestedness.
When will I be able to change my horrible habits? Never? Hopefully not…