No Difference

I have always been a sensitive person. 

I thought I hid it well from myself and others, but I often come to realize how my tough girl persona is just a defence mechanism. 

I stopped caring what strangers thought a while ago, but I cannot shake off my sensitivity in regards to what my friends and family think of me.

I am at this dual road, where I don’t care and care at the same time. Maybe the truth is that I tell myself  I don’t care, but deep down I do. No matter how much I laugh about it, somewhere deep down it hurts. 

After spending my whole life trying to please people, to an extent without losing my morals, I thought I was done being criticized by those close to me. I didn’t really care, nor do I now, about what strangers and those who aren’t close to me think, but I have trouble not caring about the opinions of those close to me. 

I didn’t realize how much of a problem it was until I decided to go vegan. I cut out meat and diary from my diet completely, except for eggs and fish. So, I am not fully vegan, but my diet is 95% vegan. 

If I get so much criticism for not being fully vegan, imagine when I do. 

I got critized by some who are close to me. At first, I laughed it off, but when the criticism became repetitive and came up in almost every meet up, it became annoying and hurtful.

Once you go astray from mainstream societal values and norms, you are deemed weird, a party pooper, a difficult person and someone not fun to be around. 

I was suddenly this weird and incomprehensible person. It was like: “where is the fun you, the old you”. 

I am me. I am fun. I just don’t fit into the mild you want me too.

I was criticized for not drinking alcohol. I was criticized for not liking clubbing and partying. I was criticized for not being much of a coffee drinker. 

I didn’t mind those criticism, not as much as I do now. And I still am criticized for the above things. 

It did bother me, but now it’s just a whole pile of things that I am criticized for and I have reached my limit.

I am hurt, but what is at the top of the list of my feelings is annoyance. 

I am annoyed and angry.

Society is filled with hypocrites. 

It is fine when the person who is criticizing does something out of the mainstream because it is them and they love themselves and they are selfish. They want people to be considerate when it comes to themselves, but cannot return the favor.  You would think they would understand others who are different, but it isn’t always the case.

No matter what you do in life, you will be criticized. I know that, but I can’t help but feel hurt by the criticism of those close to me.

It even annoys me that I am so sensitive. I am annoyed because I am annoyed and hurt by peoples’ opinions about me.  

I am tired. 

I need a nap.